What hasnt worked...

Well, I have been up and down and up and down and now up again working my way down. Ive tried a variety as followed but not limited too...

Lindora: This is how I lost 42 lbs last year and it did work. However, in my opinion it is not something that you can really live on. You are never allowed to have alcohol and you count your carbs and you get Vitamin B Shots. Its ketosis based and while it does work if you can stick too it, its absolutely not livable.

Weight Watchers: I have had success of and on while on Weight watchers. I had better success years ago when it was more balanced diet based rather then point based. I didn't really love the point thing. You have the choice to have this, this or that healthy stuff or you can have one big thing that uses up all of your points. Well for someone like me who already is in the bad habit of not eating breakfast and sometimes skipping lunch and having one not so healthy dinner. Well if you have a certain amount of points you can just use them on something yummy. So, that in turn.. doesn't work for me.

LA Weight Loss: I attempted to do this program for a short while, like a week until the hidden charges appeared. You have to purchase there protein bars and that was going to cost like $200. a month while it was advertised to be $7 a month, first it seems like a bargain then the hidden charges appear and I was out.

Atkins: Low carb always works and of course it worked but it was short lived. The moment you have a slice of bread, you bloat and all the weight comes back.

Biggest Loser: While I didn't actually get on the show. I did audition. I was first in line in Burbank for Biggest Loser Season 4. I did get a second audition. Unfortunately, I didn't get chosen and then boycotted watching the show.

Drugs: Yes, I have tried SO many drugs starting with Fen-Phen when I was fifteen. Since then, I have done many others that I honestly probably don't remember the names of them all. I have done hydroxycutt, Xenical, Relacore, Alli, and more. Some of them worked a little some did nothing. But ultimately, again, it was just short lived.

MD Weight Control: You start with drinking nothing but protein shakes that were not very tasty at all. That's all you have for a few weeks is the shakes. After a while, I started getting sick. My stomach didn't handle it very well. Like Lindora you also got the Vitamin B shots. Then they give you specific things to eat. Again, not something that you can live on.

What I am about to start now:

Food Lovers Fat Loss System

I just recently got my kit and I am very excited to get started with this. What I already love about it is that you seem to be able to eat like a normal person and still lose weight. I am 28 years old and I'm single. I still want to be able to have a glass of wine when I'm out on a date and maybe order something that doesn't make me sound obsessive. On Lindora I would order a Caesar salad, no cheese, no croutons, Chicken breast grilled in Olive Oil only. Then I would only eat half the chicken breast and do my best to measure in my head 3 cups of lettuce. Umm.. needless to say people didn't love eating out with me. So, now I will start this and chronicle my progress. Which I am confident I will have.

Why I Never Met His Friends...

So, I have been meaning to write this post for a bit but honestly didn't even want to think about it at all. I know that I need to get all of this crap off of my chest so that I can heal and properly move on, even if no one ever reads this blog.

So the ex that I have mentioned before, we will call him JC. We dated off and on for a year and a half. When we met I was at my heaviest. So he broke my heart a couple times. Well, this time around we dated, things were great. He had a friend come into town and visit him. He never had me meet him and it started to make me think. I realized I have only met one of his friends in the year and a half. So I finally decided to bring it up to him. I don't really know what I was expecting him to say. Maybe that the opportunity never presented itself, that I wouldn't like his friends, I don't know.... I guess I just was hoping to hear something, anything other then what the real answer turned out to be.

The reason that I never met any of his friends was because of my weight. Yep, he was fine dating that fat girl but he basically didn't want his friends to know about it. He said that he would get a really hard time from his friends about dating a big girl and that he just couldn't deal with all the hassle right now because he has enough going on in his life, didn't need the extra stressor.

This is coming from a 35 year old man who has expressed several times how much I mean to him. I honestly do not know if I will ever get over the hurt that I felt when he told me this. I mean, yes I am angry about it. I think that if you really care about me you need to care about me no matter what the size.

I guess I just don't get how you can be with someone off and on for over a year and a half and start dating them when they are heavy and care that much. Why date me in the first place if it matters so much.

If you care about me, the real me then it shouldn't matter so much. I guess maybe I'm crazy in wanting someone to love me for me, the real me. When I lose weight and when I gain. Through hard times and through the best of times. Fat times and thin times. I'm not very hopeful about that being possible right now.

Put off today, what you can do tomorrow

So, I have been meaning to write a letter to my ex so I can get everything off my chest and move forward at least giving myself closure. I have meant to blog about some of my experiences with him and how they affected my weight and hindered my weight loss but every time I think about it I want to crawl into the fetal position close my eyes and cry. I'm scared that the minute I let even a tiny bit of those emotions out that I wont be able to turn them off. So I'm at home now, In my comfy bed watching a lil TV, attempting to clear out my DVR and I know I need this closure and I need to get some of this off of my chest but alas, I am just not ready to open that door because once I do I don't know that I will be able to shut it. So, I will wait until tomorrow and see if I have the strength to do so then.

"The Heavy Nurse"

I am aware of the fact that I am "heavy" or "fat" even. I don't think that being overweight defines me, it merely is an aspect of my physical appearance that I am trying to change. Well, today while talking to a family member of one of my patients she said something about talking about me to another family member and referring to me as "the heavy nurse"... Um what? Okay I am a lot of things and heavy is just one of them. How about the blond nurse or the blue eyed nurse or even the white nurse, or the friendly nurse, the nurse that's usually there in the daytime, but no it was the heavy nurse. Aside from that, how was it even close to being appropriate for her to mention that to me? I am aware of my appearance, I have mirrors at home but come on people. This may sound very juvenile but that's just not nice.

A few days ago I had a different patient that was very resistive to care who didn't want to take her medication get frustrated with me and say to me "Is that how you got so heavy? By forcing people to take medicine" Yes! That is exactly how it happened! I clearly have forced many people to take there medication, where do you think I got my butt?

People are clueless. Some things are not appropriate to say. I work amongst people that are smaller and larger then I. Further proof that people see fat and they generally don't take the time see much else.

Issues

If you read my "Issues so far in 2008" blog you would have seen that 2008 started very rocky with a lot of hurt and betrayal. First off, Issue #1-My best friends betrayal that really broke me. We have since reconciled but things haven't been quite the same. We hang out sometimes and I still see my goddaughter but the major details of my life, she still hasn't earned the right too. As far as her and the guy, they have been living together for quite sometime and she is now 10 weeks pregnant with his baby. Maybe they are meant to be and that's fine but the way they went about starting that relationship I still feel was dishonest and just plain wrong. He isn't a bad guy but I honestly am clueless to what I possibly could have seen in him, he is just sooo NOT my type at all. So, I have a few friends that hate the fact that I gave her another chance but we have been friends now for almost 14 years so that's not easy to throw away. My goddaughter just turned 4 and I would miss her like crazy. However, if anything like this ever happens again, there is no 3rd chance. I wont allow myself to be made a fool of again and I wont allow my heart to be treated that way again. So, lets just hope she has learned her lesson.

Issue #2- My friend/roommate that tried to screw me out of money she owed me and decided too run her mouth about my weight- we have never reconciled and I have no intention of ever doing so. She is not worth my time and really isn't even worth the key strokes. I honestly don't feel any loss here.

Issue #3- The boy! We tried dating again and he broke my heart again. I think a lot of the reasoning is that he isn't ready for something serious but over the course of us dating, he expressed some feelings about my weight that were very hurtful. I will go into those at a later time.

Issue #4- Haven't spoken to my cousin since.

2008 was heartbreaking and I have just had my heart broken again. I know that I am lucky and have some people in my life that really care about me but my heart hurts regardless. I just have to hope that things will get better.

Catch Up On Me...

Okay...

So I stopped writing for whatever reason and now I feel the need to get back to it. I definitely need some type of release and if this will help, then I figure I may as well try right?

So to catch ya up... not that anyone seems to be reading this...

Last year I lost 47 lbs. I was very happy about it and unfortunately it was short lived. I have since gained all of the weight back and now I am right back where I started.

I lost the weight doing Lindora. Lindora works but in my opinion its not something that you can spend the rest of your life doing. I know that I do not want to spend the rest of my life not being able to have a glass of wine or any alcohol at all. I don't want salad twice a day for the rest of my life. So, I have since looked into another idea. The Food Lovers Fat Loss System. I cant attest to it as far as it being good or bad because I am just getting ready to start. But this time I will do my best to keep up with my blogging.